What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:14
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My life is so biszare .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
This is soul school!.
Are you happy that soon we will never hear from Kamala Jones again?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Who then, do I blame.?
Did another parent ever tell you something about your child that you didn’t know?
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I was very sick at this time too.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do good-looking men date homely women?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Put me off passion for life!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He knew the spot.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it wasn’t much.
She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..